The Best Medicine

When me and my sister were growing up, my parents didn't have a t.v., a fact for which I am eternally grateful. So my sister and I (yes, we survived such deprivation!) made up all kinds of other ways to amuse ourselves. We read a lot, we played outside, we made huge tents out of mom's extra blankets and kitchen chairs.

Sometimes we would blindfold ourselves with my dad's handkerchiefs, spin around in the den until we were disoriented, then set off through the house in a sort of drunken, blinded Marco Polo. We would make our way from room to room by feel. And when you took of your blindfold or cheated a litte and peeked, sometimes you were exactly where you thought you were. And then sometimes you weren't even in the room you though you were in. You weren't even close.

Which is an odd sort of metaphor for my journey as a parent lately. You think you are one place, then suddenly, you aren't at all. Things are going smoothly, then suddenly they aren't.

I guess a lot of it is just egotism. You think, "My kids will never throw tantrums!" and , "I'm going to discipline my kids."

(And here, Dear Lord, I humbly repent for every time I thought a judgemental thought about a mother whose child was acting out!")

It's hard.

Today as been the first day in about a week and a half that I didn't break down in tears. Yes, the uglies reared their head, (several times, in fact) but I was able to handle it better. I got on the "SuperNanny" website ~desperate times and all~ and got some pointers about tantrums that were actually very helpful. One was to use humor. Hmmm....

So today when Bella would frown up her face and stomp her foot, instead of getting mad I would make that same face back at her, then start making silly faces and she would start laughing. And we still didn't get a nap, but she stayed in bed for the allotted time (or rather I kept putting her back in bed!) and didn't have a meltdown till the very end. When "nap time" was up, I hugged her and told her I loved her, even though she was kicking and screaming, and thanked her for staying in bed for her nap.

We are making progress.

As for Abby Skye, today I took her to the doctor because she has a huge rash on her face and chest. The pediatrician said it is "baby acne" and will eventually clear up soon.

Remember the Sabbath!?!

I wanted to post again today and let everyone know I haven't gone off the deep end. Tiptoed near, yes. Peered over the edge, maybe. But not gone off. Don't plan on it.

Today we took Abby to church for the first time. And I know we aren't supposed to be prideful, but you know how moms are about new babies. I was looking forward to showing her off after service, 'cause she is pretty darn cute.

As so often happens, it didn't go as I planned.

Webster defines a "sanctuary" as a place of worship, or a consecrated area. And in our church that's how we treat it, which means you sit down and shut up! You won't hear, "Hey, how's your mom?" or ,"How 'bout that game last night?". When you go in, you use that time to read your bible or pray or just sit quietly. And that's what we teach our children to do from a young age.

Bella was doing great B.A. (before Abby!) She would sit quietly on my lap or her dad's and draw or play with a quiet toy. But we've missed a few services due to the new baby and also snow. So I was really looking forward to today. But even though the scripture reading was from Ephesians, by the time we pulled out of the parking lot I had something from the book of Job echoeing in my head, something about, "man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward".

Shortly into the service she decided to regale us with her rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle little star". This is an activity I usually encourage. But not in the middle of a church service. I tried to shush her to no avail, and finally had to take her out, as she yelled, "Don't spank me!" all the way to the door.

I took her to the nursery where we quickly progressed to screaming and flailing. So I ended up just taking her out to the car, strapping her in her carseat, and having a good cry in the front seat! (I told you, I'm really weepy these days!)

What makes this really stink is that I'm the pianist at our church, so when service was close to being over my husband had to come switch places with me so I could go back inside and play. And then by the time I got back outside, the crisis was over and Bella calmly informed me that she needed to go potty, and wanted me to take her, not Daddy.

Her mood swings give me whiplash.

This too shall pass. I may be medicated when it does, but it will pass. ;-)

The Uglies

This may be the last time anyone wants to read my blog. I know people read blogs to be amused, or entertained, or educated or whatnot. But the point of a blog is for the blogger to vent, really. And hey, if I'm going to write a blog it's going to be honest if nothing else.

I know this is normally the day where I'd post some cute pictures of my family opening gifts, or tell some cute Christmas anecdotes about my holiday. The truth is, my Christmas kind of stunk.

First of all, I can't seem to shake the baby blues. I don't even want to entertain the thought that maybe I've ventured past the blues into the murky waters of full blown postpartum depression. But the thought has crossed my mind. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I can't think of anything to look forward to.

Abby is a great baby. When I burst into tears in front of my husband's aunt on Christmas Day (can there be anything more embarassing than crying in front of someone you only see three times a year?!) she grabbed the Kleenex, and over my apologies asked if the baby was doing okay. The baby is great. Sure, she's fussy sometimes, but I can handle a screaming newborn.

The biggest problem right now is Bella, my beautiful two year old. We were having some slight behavioural problems before, but since the baby got here, actually in the past 10 days or so, things have detiorated expotentially.

When I say 'temper tantrums' people picture a little kicking and screaming. Please. That would be a cakewalk. Her behavior becomes - very suddenly and without warning- utterly defiant. She stops her foot and screams "No! Don't want to!" at us, she slams her bedroom door, screams and cries, etc. And nothing seems to be effective as far a discipline. Spanking doesn't work. Time out doesn't work because she won't stay on the chair where we put her. Taking away toys/movies doesn't work. It's like an episode of Nanny 911 in the making.

To be honest, I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do, and as a mother that is devastating. My family/friends are at a loss, too, no one really knows what to do. And their sympathetic comments just make me cry, even though I know they mean well. When someone says to me, "It's just a phase she'll outgrow, it's not you, you're a good mother!" , my immediate thought is, "Really? I have a two year old I cannot control! How can I possibly be a good mother?!"

So basically Christmas Eve morning was ruined by a 'temper tantrum', or rather what I've decided to call 'the uglies'. Christmas Day they struck again at my grandmothers, and again at my husbands' aunt's house. This afternoon? You guessed it. The uglies.

I'm just at a loss as to how you're supposed to parent a child that you cannot discipline effectively. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, wondering if every time I tell her 'no', or ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, 'the uglies' are going to surface.

I'm going to call the pediatrician on Monday and see if she has any suggestions or knows anyone I can talk to, anyone that might be able to help. And then I'm going to call my OB-GYN and tell her I've been on a three week crying jag and can't seem to shake it. And I'm hoping someone can help.

Most of all I'm praying really hard and asking God to help me, because in the end He's really the only one who can.

Has anyone seen my Christmas Spirit?

Okay, I have a confession to make. This may shock some of you...if you are out there, reading this somewhere. To be honest I don't know if anyone actually reads it except my mother, occasionally, when I pull it up on her computer for her.

Anyway, the fact is I can't find my Christmas Spirit. It was last seen last Christmas, when I packed away my Christmas decor and threw away the torn-up wrapping paper. This year, when I drug the totes up from the basement (or when Kenneth did!) it was nowhere to be found. It wasn't in the box with the snowmen, it wasn't wrapped in tissue paper with the breakable ornaments, it wasn't tucked away with my recipe for Christmas Crunch- which let me just say is divine... I've tried everything to rustle it up. I've trimmed the tree, I've gone Christmas shopping, I've wrapped gifts, I've listened to and sung every Christmas carol I know. I've made Christmas candy. Nothing.

I even searched the house. I looked in the cabinet where i keep my joie de vivre. Not there. I looked in the box under the bed where i keep my last nerve, usually reserved for bad days at work and annoying relatives. Nope. It was nowhere to be found.

So for the first time in my life I may be celebrating Christmas without the "warm fuzzies". I think its going to be okay. After all, I have been otherwise engaged these past couple of weeks. I'm typing this with one hand because Abby is sleeping in my arms, wearing her Christmas sleeper with a reindeer on the butt. Even if I don't feel Christmasy I will enjoy watching Bella tear into her presents. I will love visiting with my family and listening to the same funny stories we tell every year.

And who knows, maybe I'll find my Christmas spirit after all.

Two week check-up and The Mongolian Spot...

This morning I took Abby for her two-week check up. She weighed 7lbs 7oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. She has gained 5oz since her last visit. I thought her weight was pretty good, and she eats good, but the pediatrician seemed to thing she wasn't gaining quite fast enough. So I have to record exactly how many ounces she drinks in a 24 hour period one day this weekend and call them with it on Monday.

Dr. Kitchens checked her left hip again and said it still has a 'click' in it. I asked her to help me feel it, too, since I tried to at home and didn't feel anything abnormal. She showed me where to put my hand and flex her leg, and sure enough you feel a little 'click'. It just feels like a little pop like when some people bend their knee or wrist, you just feel a tiny catch. It doesn't hurt her at all. So when she is 6-8 weeks old they will do an ultrasound of her hip and as long as the joint looks okay, it's no big deal.

Now on to Mongolia. Mongolia? Thats right, Mongolia.

In the hospital I noticed Abby had a really dark spot really low on her back, actually really high on her rear end. It dark blue, almost black. I thought maybe it was somehow bruised during delivery and would go away. And none of the doctors or nurses mentioned it. She didn't act like it hurt her if you touched it or anything.

Well, it didn't go away so I started to worry! So I asked Dr. Kitchens about it today, and she said it's called a "Mongolia Spot," and will eventually go away. She said it's pretty common especially since Kenneth's skin is darker than mine. But it's nothing to worry about...whew!

Not always a walk in the park...

Being a 'new' mommy (even the second time around) is amazing. You forget how tiny they are, how sweet they are, how every yawn and goo is the cutest thing ever... You also forget the effects of sleep deprivation and those 2 a.m. fussy spells.

So lets be honest about it. Being a mom is wonderful. But is it always a walk in the park? Absolutely not. After I had Bella I got a nice little case of the 'baby blues'. And yes, that's a real term, you can google it! Basically you feel like you aren't doing things right, you feel helpless and frustrated, and you cry a lot. When Bella was born I chalked it up to the fact that I'd never taken care of a newborn before and lets face it, with your first one you really don't know what you're doing. People can say all they want about 'mothers instinct'. Instinct, my foot! Instinct only carries you so far, after that its just a learning experience and you do the best you can.

So this time around I felt better prepared. And I was. I was completely comfortable with Abby from the moment they put her in my arms. I didn't freak out when she screamed for an hour. I didn't worry if she didn't finish her bottle, or if she drank it all and still acted hungry...things like that that will sometimes worry you the first time around.

What I didn't factor into the equation was Arabella! And Arabella has decided that she no longer wants to stay in her bed at naptime or bedtime. She pitches immortal fits! And yes, I've tried everything. I've tried spanking, I've tried a switch (no people, using a switch on your kid's leg is not child abuse: spare the rod spoil the child and all that!), I've tried taking away her Dora dvds, I've tried just putting her quietly back to bed over and over.

I know part of her bad behavior may be because of our new arrival. But we have made a conscious effort to show Bella lots of attention, and talk about what a good big sister she is, and let her love on the baby when she wants to.

A couple of days ago the stress and lack of sleep added up and here came the baby blues! So I've spent a couple of days being very frustrated and crying a lot! I talked to the pediatrician today and her advice was to put up a baby gate across Bella's bedroom doorway, tell her goodnight, put her to bed, and don't go back in there! Dr. Kitchens said, "She may even sleep on the floor a night or two, that's fine, as long as you don't have to go back in that room." So I'm going to give it a try as nothing else has worked. My only concern is that she'll empty all her drawers or something...I wouldn't put it past her!

But we have to try something, otherwise my frustration is going to continue getting the better of me, and I don't like that at all.

On the up side, I put 'big girl' panties on Bella three days ago and she has done so well! We put her little potty chair in the living room, since that's where she usually plays. That way it's close by when she needs to go. The first two days she had a couple of accidents. Then yesterday morning she got up and used the potte all day without me even prompting her! I was so thrilled, and told her all day how proud I was of her! We've even made a couple trips in the car without accidents, although I have a towel in the bottom of her carseat just in case. I guess it really is true that they'll do it when they're good and ready! I sure won't be sorry to leave the pull-ups behind!

Worth a thousand words..

Here are a few pictures of Baby Abby!


Okay, mommy looks a little rough, but Baby Abby
is pretty darn cute!

These are her nursery pics from the

hospital!

We took Abby for her first check-up at the pediatrician on Tuesday. She had already gained 6oz from her birth weight, bringing her weight to 7lbs 2oz. I wasn't surprised, since she is a good eater! Everything looked really good, except for the doctor noticed what she called a 'click' in her left hip joint. Apparently this can be caused by the ligaments not being tightened up yet, or if the ball-and-socket joint isn't fully developed. We will take her back in 2 weeks to have it checked, and if the problem isn't resolved they will schedule her for an ultrasound of her hip and she may have to wear some sort of a brace for a while....that doesn't sound like fun, so I just told the doctor, "We'll just plan on this being better when we come back!" ~He is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine~

An update

Even though Abby was born on Wed, Dec. 2, we weren't able to come home with her until Friday, Dec. 4. That's because I tested positive for the Group B strep, and I was supposed to get two doses of penicillan intravenously while I was in labor. But Abby came so fast I had 20 minutes left of my second dose. So the pediatrician wouldn't release Abby until Friday morning.

Bella had been staying with her Aunt Rachel (and having a ball!) so she came home Friday, too. Our first day at home was fine. Rachel put Bella down for her nap, I laid down, and Rachel did my laundry and straightened up my house for me, which was so nice. Abby was an angel all afternoon. So our first day home was great.

Our first night was another story! Abby decided that instead of eating every 4 hours, which she had been doing since birth, she wanted to eat every 1 1/2 or 2 hours. And fuss in between. So we spent the entire night feeding, changing, and rocking. I literally slept from 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. and that was it.

Yesterday was a repeat of Friday, Abby slept all day. I'm afraid she's getting her days and nights mixed up, but she's impossible to keep awake. For one of her feedings I had to strip her down to her onesie and wash her face with a warm washcloth so she would wake up to eat!

Last night was a little better, she slept from 10p.m. to 2a.m. , but we were pretty much up after that.

As for Bella, she is adjusting to life as a big sister very well. She doesn't seem to be the least bit jealous. We are making sure to let her hold Baby Abby or 'help' with her anytime she wants to, and everyone who has visited has made sure to give her lots of attention first, which has been great. We do have to remind her to 'be easy' pretty often, as her hugs and kisses can get a little overenthusiastic!

Abbigail Skye Finally Arrives!

This is going to be a long one! Here's Abby's Baby Story!

We checked in to the Specialty Hospital at 5 p.m. on Tues, Dec.1 to begin my induction. It brought back memories of when we went to have Bella! Dr. Arze was there, but he was in a delivery so we had to wait till about 7 p.m. to get started.

He came in and checked me. The monitor showed I was having contractions, but they were so minor I wasn't even feeling them. I was only dilated 1 cm so he placed Cervadil in my cervix. It's a medication that's in a long string that they placed up inside you, and no, it is not pleasant! Within ten minutes I was feeling the contractions. I had to lay still with no food or drink for two hours, but then was able to get up, use the bathroom, and have a small snack. Mostly I was thirsty so my Sprite was delicious! About ten thirty the nurse gave me an Ambien and we settled in for the night.

I slept on and off till about 3 a.m. Wednesday morning, and by 4 a.m. I was having regular contractions and sleep was out of the question! My mom arrived at 6 a.m. and my contractions got steadily longer, harder, and more frequent. A little after six I got a shot of Stadol for pain. It doesn't really take away the pain, just takes the edge off and makes you a little drowsy. At 7a.m. the doctor's change shifts, so Dr. Tally-Horne arrived. She checked me and I was 2cm, so they put me on a drip of Pitocin to help along my contractions. After that the fun really began! The contractions really began to intensify. Dr. Tally-Horne advised me to hold off on the epidural as long as I could because I'd need it most at the end.

From 7a.m. to 10 a.m. the contractions continued to get worse. Somewhere in that time period my water broke. When my nurse checked me, she noticed my fluid had myconium (sp?) in it, which means the baby has had a bowel movement in utero. This occurs either when the baby is overdue, or placed under stress. Dr. Tally-Horne said because of that, once the head was delivered I would have to stop pushing for her to suction the baby out really well.

Now the fun part. Okay people, my hat is officially off to women who give birth without epidurals! I don't think I'm really a wimp, but by about 9:30 the contractions were so bad that every time I had one my legs would jerk! My nurse called the anesthesiologist, who had a medical student with him. Two nursing students came it too, I could have cared less. I just wanted to be out of pain. The anesthesiologist made mom and Kenneth leave the room while he placed the epidural.

Five minutes later I was in heaven! It felt so good to be out of that pain! The nurse asked if I was feeling okay and I said yes. She was almost to the door when a wave of nausea hit me. I looked at the monitor and noticed my blood pressure had dropped to something like 78/59! I called the nurse back, she came running with a pan for me to puke in. She put some medication in my I.V. and within 4 or 5 minutes I felt better and my blood pressure was back up.

That was all at about 10:15. Very soon after that I began feeling pressure with each contraction. At about 10:45 I was completely dilated and the baby was in position, so my nurse called everyone in, and boy did we have a crowd: the nursery nurse, a respiratory therapist, my nurse, another nurse, Dr. Talley-Horne, and two nursing students!

At 11:01 I started pushing, and after 6 or 7 pushes her head was out and I had to stop so they could suction her really well- that was not fun. Even with the epidural I could feel quite a bit of pressure, pain, and stinging. I remember just thinking , "Get her out! Get her out!" When Dr. Tally-Horne pulled her out I felt a tremendous release of pressure (mentally and physically!) I ended up with a 2nd degree episiotomy, just like with Bella. Only this time, instead of pushing for 45 minutes, I pushed for NINE! I started pushing at 11:01 and she was out at 11:10. I was determined to get her out!

She began to cry right away. They wiped her down and the respiratory therapist put a tiny tube all the way down into her stomach to suction all the myconium out. A few minutes later I got to hold her for the first time!

She is beautiful, she has jet black hair. She doesn't look like Bella at all, she is beautiful in her own perfect little way. I will post some pictures in a day or so.

All in all I couldn't have asked for a better delivery and am feeling very blessed!